


What is Needed

by Dubstep_Wombat



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Pre-Canon, Sex Pollen, Spoilers for Episode: s01e19 The Only Light in the Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5389712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dubstep_Wombat/pseuds/Dubstep_Wombat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> "A few years ago, I saw Daniels at one of my concerts, front row. Then I started seeing him at all of them. At first, I was flattered. Cellists don't get many groupies. But then one night, I saw him outside of my house. I was terrified. I begged him to leave me alone. He just stood there, saying I was his light. I didn't understand what he meant until he started blacking out my entire block. I ran and called the police. They didn't believe me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But then a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent came to my door."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Am Not Afraid of Storms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ozhawk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ozhawk/gifts).



"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship," - Louisa May Alcott

 

Audrey’s lips pursed into a thin line as she drove, her knuckles white on the wheel, every muscle tense. It was better to be tense than to be shaking. It was better to be angry than to be frightened.

God, was she frightened.

The police didn’t _believe_ her. And, what’s worse, Audrey understood. How could that have been possible? How could she have seen-?

The look on Daniels’ face just before every light went out. The impossible, terrible look of a man who’s about to get everything he ever wanted.

She clenched her teeth together. _No._ Better to be angry than frightened. An angry woman can rage. Can scream. Can fight. But a frightened girl couldn’t do much more than shake and cry.

Audrey didn’t want to go home. The police wouldn’t do anything and, for all she knew, Daniels was still there. But she didn’t know where else to go. She was new to Portland, and there were only two places she was familiar with. Her home, or in a practice room with her cello. Both were places Daniels had frequented. Both were places she’d likely never feel safe again.

She resisted the urge to hit something. (Angry, she was _angry._ ) Cathartic release may have felt good, but it wasn’t a good idea while she was driving.

She stopped in a Walgreens and bought herself a toothbrush and toothpaste. Then she found the nearest hotel and got herself a room. Audrey pulled back the covers and stripped down to her t-shirt and underwear so she could sleep. Audrey turned off the lights, but immediately turned them back on again. She felt too exposed in this tiny amount of clothing and pulled her pants back on. Then she tried turning off the light again. She stared up into the darkness for a solid ten minutes before admitting that this wasn’t working. She tried several different ways. She turned different lights on and off, tossed and turned, and even rearranged the furniture in the room. After a few hours, she finally got up and admitted sleep was never going to happen.

Audrey put on a pot of the not-coffee hotels always stocked. With her cold hands wrapped around the warm drink, she stared at the hotel door and thought. It wasn’t that she was frightened. (She wasn’t; she _wasn’t._ ) It’s just that she had no plan. After moving so recently, she couldn't afford to move again. She couldn’t just… never go back to her condo, nor could she afford to quit the symphony. But could she pretend she hadn’t seen a man cause every light on her block to go out? Pretend that man wasn’t obsessed with her? Pretend that Daniels wasn’t dangerous? That he wouldn’t hurt her when he found out she wasn’t the “light in the darkness” he imagined she was?

She sat with cold hands, staring at the door as her warm drink cooled. What was she going to do?

At about four in the morning, someone knocked on her door. “Miss Nathan?” Audrey jumped, spilling her cup of cold not-coffee. She ignored the mess as she raced to look out the peephole.

It wasn’t Daniels. She didn’t recognize the man. She got the impression she wasn’t supposed to. Everything from his closely cropped hair to his suit appeared designed to be… commonplace. Though Audrey did notice the suit fit him well.

She still didn’t open the door. “Yes?” she asked.

“Miss Nathan, I’m Agent Phil Coulson with the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division.”

She still didn’t open the door. “That’s a bit of a mouthful.”

The corner of his mouth quirked up in a tiny smile. “We’re working on it.”

It was the little smile, more than the nice suit or the official sounding organization, that convinced her. It turned him from an impassive agent into a human being. (A handsome human being, part of her brain chimed. She ignored it.) Audrey opened the door.

He didn’t appear to move. Not even his eyes moved. She still got the impression that he noticed everything. Her messy hair, her tired eyes… he was alert. She envied it. He smiled again, just a little. “Would you like to get some real coffee?” he asked. “This conversation would work so much better if we’re all awake for it.”

“I look that bad?” she asked.

“Just tired,” he said, then nodded behind her. She turned to look at the mess of spilled not-coffee. “Anyone willing to drink the stuff they stock these places with must be tired. May I buy you a cup of real coffee?”

She gave him a closed-mouth smile and a nod. He didn't take her very far away, just to the grocery store across the street. It was still pretty early in the morning after all. Most places were still closed.

“Miss Nathan,” he said after they had both taken a couple sips of real coffee. “You filed a police report yesterday evening that we’d like to speak to you about.”

Her eyes widened. “Do you believe me? The police-” she paused. “They didn’t believe me.”

He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling again. He was much more handsome when he was smiling. “Yes, Miss Nathan. We do. We have background on Marcus Daniels that the police don’t have access to.” His voice softened. “I promise we’ll take care of Daniels. In the meantime, we'd like to offer you a protection detail. You’re going to be safe.”

Her hands were cold again. Audrey wrapped them around her warm coffee cup. She refused to feel relief because that would be like admitting she’d been scared. But she didn’t know what she was feeling instead, so she offered the secret agent man a tired smile. “Thank you,” Audrey said. “Are you the one who’s going to be protecting me?”

“Not exactly. I’m in charge of the agents who will be protecting you.” He reached into his jacket pocket. “But here’s my card. Feel free to call me any time. For any reason.”

Audrey accepted his card, but she had already decided not to call him. She’d keep the card though. At least for a while. She slid it into her pocket and took another fortifying sip of coffee. _Real_ coffee.

Two more people walked into the grocery store. A lot of people were walking into the grocery store as the breakfast rush began, but Audrey noticed these two. They dressed like Agent Coulson. That was where the similarities ended though. They stood straight and tall and walked with a fluid grace Audrey expected to see on some kind of large cat. Not a person. Coulson acted… not harmless exactly, but inconspicuous. He could be something as boring as an investment banker or something. She was starting to understand it was his armor and his weapon. Much like the agents walking toward her wore their confidence and their danger as _their_ armor.

She wondered for a moment how dangerous the man sitting across from her could be, if he needed. She concluded she didn’t want to know.

“Miss Nathan,” he said, a small smile in his voice. “Meet Agents Klosterman and Martinez. They’ll make up your protection detail until we have Daniels in custody.”

Audrey realized how careful and deliberate Agent Coulson was being with her. The bland, almost harmless aura he was projecting. Buying her coffee. Waiting until he had reassured her about Daniels. It was all calculated to calm her before introducing her to these two agents. He thought she would bolt at the sight of two so obviously dangerous people. He thought she needed to be handled. He thought she was frightened.

That made Audrey angry for a moment. She wasn’t that fragile. She didn’t need coddling. She knew the stereotype she emulated. Soft, quiet, uncertain. But it was just her armor, much like Agent Coulson’s quiet blandness or these new agents’ aura of deadly competence. It was an armor that had served her well. She didn’t draw attention to herself until she wanted to. In this way, she could more easily pick and choose her friends.

She only ever dropped her guard when playing her cello. It’s loud, strong voice sang out all the emotions and fire she had to keep hidden to keep safe. So far, no one had figured that out yet. Not even the secret agent man sitting across from her.

Except maybe for Daniels.

Audrey looked between the two agents. One was a broad shouldered male with black hair, and the other was a slim blonde woman with a serious gaze. “Which is which?” she asked.

“I’m Macy Klosterman,” the woman said.

“And I’m Aaron Martinez,” the man said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Nathan.”

Audrey considered saying “likewise,” but she didn’t have the energy to lie so early in the morning. Instead, she nodded at them and turned to Agent Coulson. She liked him a lot more than either of his subordinates. Or perhaps "like" was the wrong word. She understood him better than these other agents. “Is it safe to go home?” she asked.

Coulson nodded. “We’ve cleared your home and your whole neighborhood is under surveillance. We also have a few agents watching your workplace.”

Audrey frowned. “That sounds like a lot of agents.” She didn’t ask why he brought so many. She thought Coulson was smart enough to know the question was implied, but _she_ was smart enough to know he wouldn't tell her. Even if she asked outright.

He smiled a bland smile that was more of a mask than an expression. It didn't make him look more handsome. It didn't do much for his face at all. He didn’t answer her unspoken question either.

Audrey finished her coffee, eager to get back to her place and shower and sleep in her own bed. (She was going to have to call in sick, she thought. Or perhaps just say she was going to be late and show up around noon? She hated missing rehearsals.)

Agents Klosterman and Martinez escorted her from the grocery back to her apartment. When she walked in, it was in exactly the state she left it. Audrey made herself show no hesitation upon entering. It was just another day, after all. And if she turned on every light she had… well, Agent Klosterman had insisted on following her inside. Audrey wouldn’t want the other woman to trip over her ottoman or anything.

Audrey showered quickly, aware there was a stranger in her apartment. She refused the idea that being naked still made her feel vulnerable. She _wasn’t_ vulnerable.

The rest of her day, after Audrey got some sleep, was pretty uneventful. Except for her two new shadows, the rehearsal went well. She wasn’t even admonished for missing half of it. She thought that might have had something to do with the scary suits following her around. Audrey was pretty surprised that no one asked her what was going on, but she was new. No one had warmed up to her yet.

It wasn’t until night that everything fell apart.

Audrey had changed into pajamas and an extra fluffy bathrobe. She was making tea. Agent Martinez was standing guard outside the building, and Agent Klosterman was, again, inside. She offered the other woman a cup of tea, but Agent Klosterman refused.

The evening was calm until Audrey noticed Agent Klosterman’s posture shift. The agent’s hand went to her ear. “What was that?" She waited a beat. "Martinez, respond. Martinez? Martinez! _Shit!”_


	2. When Men Are Afraid of the Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: All the dub con and violence stuff is in this chapter, so take care of yourselves, okay?

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark;

The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light," - Plato

 

Audrey couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe. Her hands clutched her mug of tea.

Agent Klosterman was hissing into a comm Audrey hadn’t known she’d been wearing. “Coulson, Martinez isn’t responding. I’m going to check it out.”

_No_ , Audrey begged silently. _No, please don’t leave me._

Audrey wasn’t afraid. But Klosterman was the one with the gun. Audrey had only a cooling mug of tea. She held it tight and worked on being more angry. Narrowed eyes and tight muscles. She wasn’t helpless, even without a gun.

“Coulson, you’re asking me to abandon my partner!” Klosterman hissed, her voice growing louder and more desperate. She listened for a moment, scowling, but didn’t leave Audrey alone. Audrey was grateful. For about two seconds.

Then every light in her condo went out.

Audrey jumped, but she heard Agent Klosterman in the darkness say “Stay there.” Audrey froze. Her hands tightened on her mug. They were cold despite the warmth emanating from the tea, when she heard the door of her apartment open. _No._

“Freeze!” she heard Agent Klosterman yell, and then she heard a scuffle. Someone gasping in pain. A heavy thud. Then quiet. Audrey had never heard a quiet so terrifying, but the sounds that came afterward were even worse. Soft steps, quieter even than the sound of Audrey’s blood pounding in her ears.

A hand closed around her arm and she shrieked, throwing her tea and the cup in the direction of her attacker. Audrey pulled away and fell off the chair. She landed on the floor next to her kitchen table.

Daniels growled as the tea struck him, but his voice was gentle as he reached for Audrey. Her eyes had adjusted a little, and she could just make out his shape in the darkness. “It’s okay,” he said. “It’s me. I won’t let them keep you from me.”

He leaned over the chair she had been sitting on, and Audrey kicked it at him. “Go away!” she shouted. In the movies, her kicking the chair would knock the attacker over, allowing her to get away. In real life, Daniels just grunted and tossed the chair away from him. She heard it slam into the refrigerator.

His voice, when he spoke, was angry. Angrier than she’d ever heard it before. “They can’t keep you from me. Don’t worry. They won’t keep you from me,” he all but growled in her ear, heavy palms pressing against her waist.

“No!” she screamed, kicking out at him and wriggling away. “No, let me go!”

Angry. She was angry. An angry woman could fight, could scream, could rage.

Daniels growled and grabbed her legs. “Stop,” he hissed. “Stop. It’s okay. You’re safe here. You’re safe with me,” he said, the harsh tone of his voice at odds with his attempt at reassurance.

Audrey struggled, flailing her legs erratically, but Daniels’ hands didn’t slip from her ankles. Her heart was beating hard in her chest, and she clawed at her floor, trying to find something to grab. Anything.

There was nothing but the scratching of her nails on laminate.

Daniels yanked, dragging her toward him so he could grab her around the waist. His hard fingers dug painfully into her sides. She could feel the heat from his body, his smell in her nose. Ozone and sweat. “It’s okay,” he said, quieter this time. “They can’t have you. They won’t take you. I’m here. They won’t take you away.” His fingers pressed deeper into her flesh. Audrey tried to jerk away from the pain, but there was nowhere to go.

“Let me go,” she commanded. “Let me go right now.”

He growled again. “No. I have you. I have you now. It’s better with me. I promise. You’re better with me.”

“You’re hurting me,” Audrey hissed, struggling again. She tried elbowing him in the chest, having seen it in a Sandra Bullock movie once. It worked a lot better for Sandra Bullock than it did for her. Daniels merely grunted and growled.

“No!” he shouted in her ear. “Stop! You’re mine. I’m going to keep you. One way or another.” Audrey was shaking now. She couldn’t have stopped even if she wanted to. But then, he let go of her.

It was only for a second, and only with one hand, but Audrey took full advantage. She slipped out of his grip ignoring his frustrated roar and ran. She didn’t care where she ended up, as long as it was away from Daniels.

She made it to the door of her bedroom before he tackled her to the ground.

Audrey landed at an awkward angle, stretching her arm out so she wouldn’t fall flat on her face. She realized her mistake as she was falling. The heel her palm hit the floor first, catching her fall and all her momentum. She wasn’t surprised when she felt something in her wrist snap. She screamed. She was surprised by how much it _hurt_.

Daniels fell on top of her, his weight jostling her broken wrist. She cried out, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. She didn't know when exactly she started crying, but no amount of rage or fight could stop the waterworks now.

“It’s okay,” Daniels said, his weight pressing down on top of her. She tried to wiggle out, but he held her in place.

“You’re hurting me,” she cried.

“This can fix it,” he said. “They told me this can fix you. This can fix everything.”

“No,” Audrey begged. “No, no, please.”  She’d been wrong before. Daniels didn’t understand her any more than the man in the moon. She didn’t think Daniels any longer understood _anything_.

“This’ll fix it,” he reassured her, ears deaf to all her pleas. “It’ll be okay.”

She felt a needle pricking her skin and Audrey started screaming. She thrashed. She kicked. But nothing she did stopped the slide of that needle into the meat of her upper arm.

“Please! Please!” she screamed. “Please stop!”

“It’s okay,” Daniels kept repeating. He didn’t get off of her, using his weight to keep her pinned down. She didn’t stop trying but nothing she did seemed to shake him.

Then she felt it. Warmth, pooling in her belly. Audrey choked. Reduced to tears and begging, pinned to the floor, she had never felt more helpless in her life. It was the least sexy thing that had ever happened to her. Ever. But she could still feel herself growing wet.

She doubled her efforts to get him off. “What did you do to me?” she shouted. “Get off! Get off!”

Daniels didn’t move. His hands were on her shoulders, keeping her pressed down. “It’s okay,” he repeated.

Blinding lights turned on, illuminating every window in her condo. Audrey had to shut her eyes against their shine. The effect it had on Daniels was both immediate and severe. Now it was his turn to scream.

He shifted back, away from the brightness. The move gave Audrey enough room to pull herself out from underneath him. She grit her teeth as her wrist shrieked at her, but getting away from Daniels was more important. She retreated to the corner of her bedroom, wedged between her nightstand and the wall. Curled into a fetal position, Audrey pressed her throbbing wrist close to her body. She felt both feverish and chilled.  

Audrey listened to Daniels scream. What seemed like an army of people burst into her condo, each armed with a bright florescent light. Even though her eyes were still adjusting, she recognized Agent Coulson leading them. He wrenched Daniels' hands behind his back and cuffed his wrists together. Then the agent handed the monster off and turned toward her.

She flinched with the bright light hit her, and he set it down.  It illuminated an empty syringe on the ground. “Shit,” Coulson murmured. He used a rubber glove to pick it up and hand it to another agent. “Get this tested immediately. And get the paramedics in here now!” Agents scurried to follow his orders.

Then he turned to Audrey. “He’s gone now. Can you hear me, Audrey? He’s gone.”

She couldn't look at him. Instead, Audrey pressed her face into the crook of her good arm. She was shaking hard. Audrey didn't know how long that had been the case, but she couldn't stop. She couldn't speak, either. She couldn't move out from the corner where she'd barricaded herself. 

"Audrey," she heard Coulson try to get her attention again. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she jerked away, smacking into the wall. Audrey whimpered. God, she sounded so pathetic. 

Yes, Daniels was gone. But so was she. 


	3. We Are to Learn About Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings in this chapter: hospitals, needles, panic attacks, and discussion of trauma

“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other kind of

resistance is understanding fear; that means watch it, learn it,come directly into contact with it.

We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it,” - Jiddu Krishnamurti

 

Agent Coulson stayed with her while the paramedics arrived. He watched them carefully and professionally pull her out of the corner. He stayed while they wrapped her in a blanket.

Someone reached toward her with a needle, and Audrey jumped back. She pulled her blanket closer around her as if it could shield her from the needle's point.

“Audrey,” Agent Coulson said, waving an arm so he could get her attention. “I’m sorry, but we need to test a sample of your blood so we know what he injected you with.” Audrey didn’t move, and Coulson looked up at the paramedic. “Is there any way we could use something smaller?” The paramedic didn’t like it, but did produce several smaller vials. Audrey allowed them to prick her finger and fill the tubes with small samples of her blood. Then the paramedics whisked her and her blood to different places. They took her blood to some mysterious lab for testing; they took Audrey to an emergency room.

Audrey hadn’t paid any mind at all toward her clothes while Daniels was attacking her. Now she noticed they hadn’t fared well. Her extra fluffy robe had lost its belt, as well as its belt loops. Her pajama shirt was missing all but two of its buttons, and the left knee of her pajama pants had a hole in it.

All this she cataloged while she was riding in an ambulance to the hospital. Coulson had told the paramedics how Daniels injected her with an unknown substance. He stayed with her in the ambulance while the paramedics splinted her right wrist. He stayed with her while she tried not to squirm during an x-ray. He stayed with her in the emergency room when the doctor put a cast on her right hand.

“Will I be able to play again?” she asked, looking at the hard, bulky thing. There was no way she’d be able to bow with this on on her arm. Not well, anyway.

The doctor looked confused, and Coulson spoke. “She plays cello,” he said. Audrey was both surprised and not surprised that he knew that.

The doctor gave her a look that she thought was supposed to be kind but was pitying instead. She wanted to hit him with her cast. “I’m sure you’ll be just fine in a couple weeks. This is a common fracture ma’am.”

That was a relief, but she still kind of wanted to hit him.

Or hit on him. Her body’s war between feeling too cold and feeling too warm took a sharp turn for too warm. Audrey bent double, dizzy with the sudden change.

An almost painful wave of nausea came over her on the heels of her arousal. The idea of touching him made her retch, coughing up tea and stomach acid.

Someone touched her hair, and she lurched away from them, coughing. “No,” she managed to say. “Don’t touch me.”

“Sorry,” Coulson’s voice came from behind her, too close. What did he want from her, anyway? Why was he still around?

Audrey heard Agent Coulson and the doctor talking. She hadn’t decided whether she wanted to eavesdrop before one of the nurses filled her vision. “Miss Nathan?” the woman asked. Audrey couldn't focus on the woman’s face and focused on her kitten-patterned scrubs instead. “If you come with me, we’ll get you settled into your room now.”

“My room?” Audrey asked.

The nurse nodded. “We’ll be keeping you at least overnight, while we try and figure out what you were dosed with and how to treat it.”

Audrey nodded and allowed the nurse to lead her away. She stopped in the doorway of the room the other woman led her to. “This is a private room,” Audrey said. The question "Why am I in a private room?" went implied but unspoken. She wasn't complaining.

“SHIELD has excellent insurance,” Coulson said from behind her. Audrey jumped and turned. The agent looked apologetic. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Why does SHIELD insurance cover me?” Audrey asked.

“Don’t worry,” Coulson says. “It does.”

She shot him a look that was a combination of “I don’t believe you,” and “I demand to know what you’re not telling me.”

Coulson wasn’t intimidated by her look. Instead of explaining everything, he changed the subject. “Daniels will be shipped to a secure facility as soon as possible. Until then, he’ll be kept under guard. Don’t worry. He won’t be able to come after you.”

 _Again,_ Audrey thought, but she didn’t say it. She didn’t say anything, instead just sat down on the hospital bed and stared at the rip in the knee of her pajamas. The nurse busied herself hooking up Audrey to a heart monitor or something. Even on a good day, Audrey didn’t know anything about medical equipment. Today was not a good day.

“You’re safe now,” Coulson said.

Audrey swallowed. “And… Martinez and Klosterman?” Coulson didn’t say anything. Looking up at his face was the hardest thing Audrey had ever done, but she managed. His expression was closed off, but that told her everything she needed to know. “Was it worth it?” she asked, dropping her gaze to her knees once again. “Their lives just to protect me?”

“Yes,” Coulson said immediately, which surprised her. She looked back at him, again surprised to see hard surety instead of his previous blank expression. “It’s our job to protect people. Because they did their job, Daniels will never hurt anyone ever again.” He strode forward, stopping just a step away from her. Then he knelt and looked her in the eyes. “Audrey, I have no doubt it was worth it. Don’t you ever have any doubts either.”

He met her gaze for a long moment. His eyes were blue, Audrey noted. She hadn’t noticed that before, which wasn’t unusual. Audrey didn’t make a point of noticing people’s eye color. What was strange was that she noticed it now.

Her skin felt suddenly too hot, and Audrey curled inward on herself. Her heart rate spiked, setting off alarms in the room, and the nurse came rushing back. Audrey tried to focus on her breathing.

Meanwhile, Coulson’s cell phone rang. Audrey focused on her own hands and started getting herself back under control. The nurse had her lie down on the bed. Audrey curled up on her side. She vaguely realized something about the position kept her from choking if she threw up.

“That’s all?” Coulson asked. “Thank God. No, I know. Where’d he get it?” Audrey heard a short pause before Coulson spoke again. “Well, find out,” then she heard him hang up. “Audrey?” She glanced up at him, and he shook his head. “No, don’t look at me.”

“Why?” she asked, even though she squeezed her eyes shut. The darkness assaulted her, and she felt herself slipping into panic. She opened her eyes again, but this time she made sure to stare at her hands.

“The substance you were dosed with is known as D-152-ev-”

“I don’t care what it’s called Agent Coulson,” Audrey interrupted. “What is it going to do to me?”

There was silence for a moment, before Agent Coulson spoke again. “It’s a form of sex pollen.”

Audrey cringed. “What?” she gasped. “But I… that doesn’t exist.”

“It does. Early formulas were developed by Hydra during WWII-”

“I don’t care!”

“Sorry,” Coulson said. “There are a lot of different variants. This particular one targets the part of the brain that recognizes people’s faces.”

“So, as long as I don’t look at anyone, I should be alright?” Audrey asked. Agent Coulson didn’t say anything. She swallowed tears. “Agent Coulson.”

"Making sure not to look at faces will slow down the drug, but… it’s designed to hurt, especially if you don't engage in sexual intercourse. Your body should metabolize the drug after about twelve hours, but they’re not going to be easy hours. I’m sorry. Having sex will help your body metabolize the drug faster. We can discuss that option, but it’s entirely your decision.”

Audrey choked back a sob. “Oh _God._ ” She tried to take calming breaths, tried to get herself under control.

“Audrey,” Agent Coulson said. “Audrey, breathe with me, can you do that?” she nodded. “Breathe in two three four five. Out two three four five. In two three four five. Out two three four five. Audrey?”

She followed his instructions, until she felt in control again. “I’m sorry, Agent Coulson. You must think I’m so pathetic.”

“No, you’re not pathetic. You’re admirable.”

She scoffed. “Trying to make me feel better?”

“I’m giving you my honest opinion.” There was a short pause, and Audrey knew without looking he was smiling that handsome smile again. “But I’m also trying to make you feel better. Not working?”

She sighed. “Not really. But the fact that you’re trying helps a little bit.”

“Well, I’m glad to be of service. You can call me Phil, by the way.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because the next conversation we have to have is about sex. I figure we’ll probably have reached first name basis by the end of it.”

She choked a little, and pressed her face into the hospital’s pillow. “I can’t. I can’t. Please don’t make-” She felt nauseous again.

“No one’s going to make you do anything,” Agent- Phil said, his voice both strong and reassuring. For some reason, Audrey believed him. She couldn't help but believe him. “It’s your decision. But we have agents trained to help with this sort of thing.”

“You _do?_ ” Audrey asked, more than a little surprised. “What kind of agency is this Strategic Homeland Endearment Intersectional Logistics-”

“Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division,” Phil said. Audrey could hear his smile again. “And that’s not the _only_ training those agents have, but…”

“I can’t,” Audrey repeated, shuddering. “I can’t. The idea of touching someone… or someone touching _me_."

“That’s okay.”

“But you said-” Audrey took another breath. “You said it would hurt.”

“It’s going to be like drug withdrawal. The hospital staff will try to help with the symptoms as best they can, but you’re not going to have a pleasant night. I'm sorry.”

“Am I going to get-” Audrey took another breath. Her cheeks colored with embarrassment. “Am I going to go into… heat?” She couldn’t bring herself to speak at more than a whisper.

“As long as you don’t look at anyone until the drug is out of your system, you should be alright there, at least.”

Audrey sobbed. “I’m scared.” It was hard to admit out loud and Audrey cried, tears spilling over the bridge of her nose and down her cheeks. “I can’t stop myself from being scared.”

“It’s alright to be scared,” Phil said.

“No, it’s not,” she said. Sweat beaded on her forehead. “All I can do now is… is… cry. And I… if I was angry or if I was… I don’t, know I could be more… more brave.”

“Brave people _are_ scared,” Phil said. “But they learn how work with their fear.”

Audrey sniffed. “Fine. Less pathetic than.”

“You’re not-”

“I think we both know you’re full of shit about that,” Audrey said, wiping at her tears with the corner of the sheet.

“I’m not,” Phil said, using his firm voice again. The one people had to believe. She wondered if that was the voice he used on the agents he commanded. “Audrey, you are _not_ pathetic. What happened was horrible, but you did everything right. You alerted the police as soon as you could. You left your home when you knew it wasn't safe. You accepted our protection and followed our instructions. You did everything absolutely right.” He paused. “You’re probably the only one,” he added under his breath.

“You did something wrong?” Audrey asked.

"I did,” Phil said. He didn’t elaborate. Audrey didn’t ask. She wasn’t sure if he would tell her if she _did_ ask, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

“I still wish I wasn’t so scared,” Audrey said. “That I could be angry, or… or tough or something.”

“Fear isn’t a negative emotion,” Phil said. Audrey snorted. “It’s not pleasant, but it’s necessary. Useful. It keeps us safe. Hiding from your fear... that’s not how you learn to deal with it. Or how you move past it.”

“How?” Audrey asked.

“Allow yourself to feel it,” Phil said. “It’s okay to be afraid, Audrey. I promise.” His voice held that firm, had-to-be-believed quality again. Conviction, Audrey realized was the word. His voice held conviction.

Her eyes shifted shut. A wave of pain flashed through her. Audrey couldn’t take a breath. No, no, no!

“Audrey! Audrey, can you hear me?” Phil shouted. “Your nose. Try taking a breath through your nose.”

She did, and her lungs took in air once again. She spent several moments just breathing in and out and in and out. Then she tentatively opened her eyes. The kitten-print nurse was back. Audrey saw her scrubs but looked away before her eyes could travel to the woman’s face. “What happened?”

“It’s the D-152,” the nurse said. “Ms. Nathan, I’m going to need to start an IV. Would you please hold out your arm?”

Audrey didn’t move.

“Ms. Nathan, please,” the nurse said.

“Audrey?” Phil asked. “Deep breaths. Breath in two three four five; out two three four five. In two three four five; out two three four five.” Audrey breathed following Phil’s count and calmed down enough for the nurse to insert the IV. She felt a sharp pinch but couldn’t look.

“Are you going to sedate me?” she asked.

“No. That would only slow your body’s ability to metabolize the pollen,” the nurse said. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to be sedated,” Audrey said, trying to sound firm but her voice wavered.

“You won’t be,” Phil reassured her.

“Are you going to stay?” she asked.

“If you want me to,” Phil said. “If you want to be alone, we can arrange that. If you want someone else to stay with you, we can arrange that too.”

Audrey attempted levity. “What if I asked for Tony Stark?”

“I’ll get his number.”

“Really?”

“The Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division has a lot of connections,” Phil said.

“Phil?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t call Tony Stark,” she said. “Just… could you stay? With me?”

“As long as you want.”

And stay he did. Even when Audrey started sweating and shaking and she couldn’t stop. Even when pain racked her body. He stayed, and he helped her control her breathing. He stayed, and he told her stories. He stayed with her while the sun came up and Audrey finally fell asleep. And he stayed with her a long time after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was an absolute bear to write, and HUGE thanks to my [beta,](http://interstellardiamonddust.tumblr.com) without whom this chapter would simply be a huge, messy pile of radioactive waste. Any remaining mess is due to me and me alone. 
> 
> There are some background things going on here that I couldn't address because it's from Audrey's perspective... it's totally cheating to include them in the notes, but the last chapter wont' address them. It's completely shameless fluff. So... 
> 
> 1) Phil stays with Audrey at first because he's afraid the injection is going to give her some uncontrollable powers. But then he stays for more personal reasons. Not all of them lovey-dovey, though, which brings me to... 
> 
> 2) Phil stays not just because of the power of boners (though Amy Acker is extremely attractive.) He also feels guilty. When Phil says he did something wrong, it was because he used Audrey as bait to lure Daniels in. To be fair, if Klosterman hadn't decided to disobey his orders and open the door to rescue Martinez, Audrey would probably have been fine. He may have energy powers, but they wouldn't help him pick locks. But, again, these are things Audrey would not have known, so I can't really address them except in notes. Totally cheating, I know. I also headcanon that's why he's so opposed to using Audrey as bait in the show. He's done it before and it went horribly wrong. But he trusts the team he has with him in the show far more than he ever trusted the team he had with him in this story so it works out... better-ish. 
> 
> 3) The kitten-print nurse is a SHIELD agent with high enough level clearance to know about D-152. I headcanon that SHIELD has at least one agent in most hospitals and medical centers in the country. Just in case they can't get a top secret person to one of their facilities in time. The private room is used to maintain that security and has nothing to do with insurance. I think Fury was kind of spoiled pre-CA:WS. He had nearly unlimited people and resources to use as he pleased. How else do you explain the existence of something like a Helicarrier? Or however much time and money SHIELD spent on completely invisible communication devices? (Which is how I explain how they all talk to each other in the Avengers despite clearly having no radios in their ears.) 
> 
> Again, I know exposition via end notes is totally cheating, but I'm going with it anyway. Sorry.
> 
> Also, I don't know if you can tell, but I sort of watched Cinema Sins whenever I got stuck on this chapter... it did not help.


	4. I Love the Man that Can Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shameless fluff.

“I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress,

and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm,

and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death,” - Thomas Paine

 

Phil came with her when the doctors called and said it was time to remove her cast. She couldn’t stop smiling as they took it off.

“The first thing you’re going to do is play your cello, isn’t it?” he asked, smiling again so the corners of his eyes crinkled.

She nodded, smiling in return. “Want to come listen?”

“You’d let me?” he asked, as if this was somehow more private than anything she’d shared with him before. More private than her last night in the hospital, or any of the many times they’d been out since. It was nice. Dinners. Movies. Museums. It was more than nice. Phil never pushed her. He never asked for more than she could give. Physical contact between them was rare. They held hands sparingly. They hadn’t even kissed, and yet, he seemed perfectly happy with it.

She appreciated it _so much._

“Of course,” she said. She wanted him to hear her play. Desperately. He’d seen her at her weakest and her worst. She wanted him to see her at her strongest.The dates and the meals and the talking were not enough. Audrey wanted Phil to see this side of her, this most important thing.

The doctors gave her a brace to wear and a warning not to put too much stress on her wrist too soon. She wasn’t paying attention, but she knew Phil was. And she also knew he’d warn her about it later. She looked at him and smiled and he smiled back. Then he nodded to the doctor, telling her to pay attention.

She sighed but did. And, as they left, she laced her fingers with his. “Come on,” she said, tugging him in the direction of the concert hall.

“Now?” he asked, confused. “You don’t want to get dinner first?”

“I haven’t played in _weeks_ ,” Audrey said. “Cello first, other necessities of life later.” He laughed and she led him into the building and the practice room of her choice.

Phil sat on the piano bench as Audrey got herself, her cello, a chair and a stand all arranged just the way she liked. “I haven’t played in awhile,” she said, while Phil patiently waited for her to finish tuning.

“I’m sure you’ll sound fine,” he said.

“Or I might sound completely horrid,” Audrey said.

“I probably won’t know the difference,” Phil replied. She stuck her tongue out at him before she started to play.

She started with a Vivaldi sonata, one of the pieces she’d performed before. She knew it well, but she played it a bit slower than allegro. More… largo, to be frank, but she was still stretching her musical muscles. The next part she sped up. By the end, she was playing far closer to the intended tempo.

When she finished, Phil clapped. “That was amazing,” he said.

“I thought you wouldn’t notice the difference?” Audrey teased.

He smiled. “I noticed. You play beautifully.”

“Thank you,” she said, before turning the pages and starting another.

A sonata, a suite and two solos later, Phil interrupted her. “Maybe we should stop? I don’t want you to put too much stress on your wrist so soon.”

“I’m a grown woman,” she said. “I can play as long as I want.”

“But you’ll be so despondent if you happen to hurt your hand again. Then you won’t be able to play cello for another month, at least,” Phil told her.

Audrey sighed, and stood. She tucked her cello away into its case. Then she walked over to the piano bench, holding her hand out to Phil. He guided her to sit down next to him and wrapped the brace around her wrist. “Are you always so reasonable?” she asked, trying to put a pout in her voice, but not quite succeeding. It was hard to pout when Phil was smiling at her like that. He pulled the brace secure.

“I try,” he said, grinning.

Damn him and his stupid, wonderful little smile. Audrey cupped his cheek with her good hand and kissed him softly on the lips.

Phil stilled. “Are you sure?” he asked.

Audrey nodded. “I trust you,” she murmured.

Phil’s hand ghosted over her face, tucking little strands of hair behind her ear. Then he leaned forward and kissed her.

They kissed for several minutes when the buzzing of Phil’s cell phone interrupted them. He broke away to answer it and Audrey sighed. “Coulson,” he said, giving her an apologetic shrug. She shrugged back. He listened a moment. “Yeah. Yeah okay,” he said, then hung up.

“Was that the Statistical Happenstance Intelligence Economic-” He leaned forward and kissed her again.

When they broke away this time, she was breathless and Phil was smiling. “Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division,” he said. “You know, you can just call us SHIELD.”

Audrey sighed. “Fine. Does _SHIELD_ need you right away?”

"They need me." He brushed his thumb across her cheek and smiled. “But not right away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was my part of the Lump of Coul Exchange for Ozhawk! Yay!!
> 
> Thanks again to my beta, [interstellardiamonddust](http://interstellardiamonddust.tumblr.com) on tumblr for helping me out with this. I could not have finished this story without you!
> 
> When I got the email from the mods and Oz wrote that sex pollen was a favorite trope... I had a mini-panic attack. Because I can't write sex. I can't. I've tried, but [my Puritan ancestors rise from the grave and torture me like some kind of emotional Inquisition.](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sdrUwFTKXpnEaMNkNmu-QJSDR8V7HSO7x-SJPqcF2BM/edit?usp=sharing)
> 
> So I rearranged the whole plot to include sex pollen but not include sex. Which turned into a struggle about trying to maintain your dignity when you're scared out of your mind and whether or not doing so is actually beneficial. And I think this is probably the most ambitious piece of fanfiction I've ever written. It is definitely the hardest. I'm not entirely sure I pulled it off, either. 
> 
> Gifts for other people probably shouldn't be ambitious and experimental pieces you're not sure you can satisfactorily write, so, Oz, I'm sorry if it's not up to scratch. But, at the same time, you definitely challenged me, forcing me to write something I would never in a million years have written otherwise. And I am incredibly grateful for that.


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